I started writing this post in the last few weeks before I moved to Florida. I was feeling so many things, & felt the need to document them all on here. I’ve continued to update this post as different feelings surface each day. The process of writing has always been so therapeutic for me, & I hope this post helps at least one person feel less alone. So here it goes…here’s the reality behind my move.
I’ve recently learned that grief doesn’t have to be limited to death. I’ve tried to categorize everything I’ve been feeling/going through during my moving journey, & I realized that I was (& still am) in the process of grieving. There are happy days, & there are sad ones. There are days where I feel at peace, & there are days where I’m angry & confused. When you move away from everything & everyone you’ve ever known, you’re taking a huge loss. You lose the family dinners, the holiday traditions, the birthdays, the always running into someone you know at your hometown grocery store. You’re in a new city with no familiarity. You have to find a new…everything. But through all the loss, I still have faith that what I’m going to gain is going to be so much greater. I don’t know what it is, but I know that God is the God of provision, & He wouldn’t have called me to this journey if He wasn’t going to be faithful through it.
My first Sunday in Florida was undoubtedly one of the hardest days. My mom had just left the day before, so it was the first real day that I was truly on my own. I went to a new church, hung out with new people, then came back to my apartment that night & just sobbed. I felt so empty. So alone, so lost. Like I made the biggest mistake of my life moving here. I ran through scenario after scenario, just trying to figure out what it would take & what my life would look like if I moved back home. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find peace in any scenario I came up with. I knew I wasn’t meant to be in Washington anymore (for this season of my life at least), but I just missed my people SO bad.
My church in WA is my home. It always will be. I know the names of just about every person that walks through those doors on Sunday mornings, & vice versa. I was always greeted by so many smiling faces & oh so many hugs. So you can only imagine how I felt walking through the doors of a new church & not knowing the name of a single person. I recognized zero faces & felt like I was somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be. I felt like everyone already had “their people” & there was no way I would ever make any friends. Fast forward to today (about a month later), & I still feel like that often. I have to force myself to go to church, force myself to make small talk with people I’ve never met. I guess I just expected it to be easier than it actually is.
During this transitional season, people continued to ask me two questions. 1. “Are you settled in yet?” And 2. “How is your relationship with God?” Up until recently, every time someone would ask me the second one, I would feel an immediate sense of shame & conviction. Truthfully, I was mad at God. I was mad at Him for taking me away from everything/everyone I knew & loved. I was mad at Him for bringing me to Florida (I hate the heat more than anything lol). I was mad at Him for calling me somewhere & not telling me why. The list goes on. I was just mad, & the last thing I wanted to do was spend time with Him. But as I forced myself to spend time in the Word & with God, confronting the feelings I had towards Him, the anger I felt slowly began to fade. I still have no idea why God has me here, & it’s still a battle every day to spend time with Him. But at least now it’s an upward battle. I know that God has a plan for me here, & although I don’t know what it is, I’m trying to remain faithful in what feels like a season of drought.
So you want to know the reality behind my move? This is one of the hardest seasons I’ve ever had to walk through. Every day can feel like a struggle. But the love I’ve felt through it all has been so sweet. I appreciate every single text, gift, FaceTime call, & prayer. I’m determined to use this season to better myself & grow in ways I could’ve only ever dreamed of. And don’t worry…after a long time of being away, Love a Latte is making a comeback 😉